The below post was written all in one go as the words came into my head. It’s a bit rambly and may not make much sense, but I found it quite freeing. Sorry for the lack of paragraphs.
Confidence. Something that most people that have met me will say I have. Except I have none. I'm a guy that's always struggled with his weight. I've never been "thin", but the past few years have had a profound effect on me and I hate myself for it. I've done all the diets. I've tried the body coach, I've tried weight watchers. I've had the personal trainer and I've forced myself to the gym when I least want to go. Then I've seen someone at the gym I know from work and try to avoid them at all costs. I don't want them to see me outside of work looking like a right state, seeing me in a state of undress in the changing room or making small talk. So then I don't go again for a while as I want to avoid that whole situation. I consider leaving the gym as I could do with the money. I've done it before and I go round in a stupid circle. I've stopped wearing the clothes I like because I felt like they were a bit tight. I have a series of t shirts in varying dark colours now – black and navy. Apparently it’s more flattering to wear dark clothes. Then I catch myself in the mirror and think 'god, I look a mess'. This isn't a self serving post where I'm fishing for compliments – I'm just writing what comes into my head. Then it's the little comments here and there that are just everywhere in life. 'Oh yeah, she's the fat one', 'Hey big guy'. Big. Fat. Each time I hear it I presume it's about me. And it probably is, and that’s ok. I just don’t think anyone realises that it’s actually really quite depressing. I need to stop moping around feeling sorry for myself and do something about it, I know, but the problem is where the hell do you start? And can I really face starting again, again? I’m tired. I lack energy and motivation and it’s probably why I find myself eating rubbish and drinking coke and wine and milky coffees – that in turn is why I feel those things. ‘Life’s too short I think’ – and it really will be if I carry on this way. I’d love to be able to go on holiday and take my top off and actually feel proud and confident – I want people to look at me and like what they see. Sadly in my head that time has passed and I don’t think it’ll ever happen, which is why I probably feel like it’s not worth bothering. I avoid going to events if I can because I feel embarrassed. I haven’t taken selfies in ages because I can’t get a good angle, or one where I think I look like I’m not overweight. How do I get out of this rut? I have my wedding in a few weeks time. I’m looking forward to it so much, but I’m absolutely dreading looking at all the pictures. I know I’ll hate the way I look and it’ll forever tarnish our photos in my head. I won’t like what I’m wearing because it’ll look bad on me because I’m a big guy. I’ll be embarrassed to share the photos on social media because people that might not see me in day to day life might make a comment. Sometimes I feel so passionate about it that I get a wave of motivation – like this time will be the time – and then after a few weeks it just goes again and I’m back to square one and I’ll have a sausage roll. Or a packet of crisps. This can’t just be me that feels like this but it’s the first time I’ve written it all out. I’m going to try again I guess. Maybe it’ll help if I write about it on here? The struggles and the successes. Does anyone care? Watch this space.