The below post was written all in one go as the words came into my head. It’s a bit rambly and may not make much sense, but I found it quite freeing. Sorry for the lack of paragraphs.

Confidence. Something that most people that have met me will say I have. Except I have none. I'm a guy that's always struggled with his weight. I've never been "thin", but the past few years have had a profound effect on me and I hate myself for it. I've done all the diets. I've tried the body coach, I've tried weight watchers. I've had the personal trainer and I've forced myself to the gym when I least want to go. Then I've seen someone at the gym I know from work and try to avoid them at all costs. I don't want them to see me outside of work looking like a right state, seeing me in a state of undress in the changing room or making small talk. So then I don't go again for a while as I want to avoid that whole situation. I consider leaving the gym as I could do with the money. I've done it before and I go round in a stupid circle. I've stopped wearing the clothes I like because I felt like they were a bit tight. I have a series of t shirts in varying dark colours now – black and navy. Apparently it’s more flattering to wear dark clothes. Then I catch myself in the mirror and think 'god, I look a mess'. This isn't a self serving post where I'm fishing for compliments – I'm just writing what comes into my head. Then it's the little comments here and there that are just everywhere in life. 'Oh yeah, she's the fat one', 'Hey big guy'. Big. Fat. Each time I hear it I presume it's about me. And it probably is, and that’s ok. I just don’t think anyone realises that it’s actually really quite depressing. I need to stop moping around feeling sorry for myself and do something about it, I know, but the problem is where the hell do you start? And can I really face starting again, again? I’m tired. I lack energy and motivation and it’s probably why I find myself eating rubbish and drinking coke and wine and milky coffees – that in turn is why I feel those things. ‘Life’s too short I think’ – and it really will be if I carry on this way. I’d love to be able to go on holiday and take my top off and actually feel proud and confident – I want people to look at me and like what they see. Sadly in my head that time has passed and I don’t think it’ll ever happen, which is why I probably feel like it’s not worth bothering. I avoid going to events if I can because I feel embarrassed. I haven’t taken selfies in ages because I can’t get a good angle, or one where I think I look like I’m not overweight. How do I get out of this rut? I have my wedding in a few weeks time. I’m looking forward to it so much, but I’m absolutely dreading looking at all the pictures. I know I’ll hate the way I look and it’ll forever tarnish our photos in my head. I won’t like what I’m wearing because it’ll look bad on me because I’m a big guy. I’ll be embarrassed to share the photos on social media because people that might not see me in day to day life might make a comment. Sometimes I feel so passionate about it that I get a wave of motivation – like this time will be the time – and then after a few weeks it just goes again and I’m back to square one and I’ll have a sausage roll. Or a packet of crisps. This can’t just be me that feels like this but it’s the first time I’ve written it all out. I’m going to try again I guess. Maybe it’ll help if I write about it on here? The struggles and the successes. Does anyone care? Watch this space.

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Written by Jay

I'm a 30 year old PR Exec, engaged to my boyfriend of 10 years and dad to a staffie called Loui.

4 comments

  1. Confidence is something you can always fake. However, accepting your body for what it is, can be oddly freeing. I understand where you’re coming from, I struggle with my own body and my weight issues, but I have accepted that right now, this is the body I have, and in time, I’ll conquer my demons and be in a better place. It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey, and this can be a journey to find yourself, and find the self love that will shine from within.

    I know it’s hard, and it sucks, and that it’s like the snake that’s always eating it’s tail, but you’ll get there in the end. I came to accept my body from just looking at it each day, understanding what it is, how it got there, and what I can do to change it. You’ll find yourself eventually.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I hope that even writing it down helps you a little. There will be people that tell you not to be so silly – you look great, but that doesn’t help if you don’t actually feel it!
    I haven’t really struggled with my weight as such but I did go from being the really skinny guy with no confidence in his appearance to the 40 year old with a beer belly where I now struggle to get into some jeans and don’t have confidence to wear all the t shirts I bought last year. So I get it. I can’t motivate myself to change that at the moment due to personal circumstances this year but it’s a vicious circle.
    I really hope that this doesn’t stop you from enjoying your wedding photos and you WILL look great. Focus on that!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I totally get where you are coming from. I have never been thin. I was a prop in the rugby team at school and as soon as i went to uni and didn’t have someone making me go to training or eat healthily, my weight shot up, denting my self-confidence. Despite friends, partners and my now-husband telling me i was attractive, i never fully thought i was.

    The gay scene (both in person and online) can be incredibly crushing to people’s self-confidence, full of people judging. Bear bars, clubs and apps have helped me a bit. Seeing guys who are much larger than me dancing topless in XXL makes them come across as much more self-confident – whether it is an act or not doesn’t matter if it makes me feel better about myself!

    Three years ago i joined a gym and got a trainer. I previously never wanted anyone who i knew to see how unfit or sweaty or red i would get when i was exercising, however the fact that i was employing the trainer meant that i didn’t mind him seeing me that way. It has been a journey that is still ongoing but i have lost 2.5 stones and am slowly getting a new wardrobe which reinforces my self-confidence.

    Weddings are incredible stressful (which also doesn’t help weight control). They also happen much quicker than you think. My wedding was five years ago. I would love to have lost weight for it but that was me then and quite frankly my body confidence wasn’t an issue – everyone was there to celebrate us, which is an ego boost in its own way. Some of the photos make me cringe but when 100s of photos are taken there will always be a number of terrible ones. However there are plenty of lovely ones too and it is those that i choose to remember and put online and around our house. Enjoy your wedding – I’m sure you will both look very handsome.

    I hope my comments help.

    PS. Feel free to resume the selfies whenever you want 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow.

    I had no idea your going through something similar to me when it comes to weight and confidence.

    I totally understand what your saying and even though i cant say i know how your feeling, and that it will get better (due to us all being different), i can say i will always be here like the others that care about you to give you an ear that will listen if you ever need to write or talk about it.

    J i know you know this, but you have the power to change whatever you want, you dont need to be a Jedi. You also have the support of us all to kick you up the butt and tell you to keep at it if you need us to ;).

    I have also just realised that what im saying about power to change should also go for me too ha

    Liked by 1 person

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